Esther Perel opens The State of Affairs with an unusual promise for a book about cheating: she isn't going to tell you whether infidelity is right or wrong. For a therapist who has spent over three decades sitting across from couples in crisis, that refusal is deliberate, and it's exactly what makes the book either the most useful thing you'll read on the subject or, depending on who you ask, a little too forgiving of betrayal. Published in 2017 as a follow-up to her bestselling Mating in Captivity, the book draws on Perel's clinical practice and her viral TED talks to argue that affairs are far more common, more complicated, and less predictable than the moral scripts most of us inherited about them. Rather than telling you it's essential reading, this review leans on what critics, therapists, and the book's roughly 24,400 Goodreads raters actually said -- including the real, pointed pushback about whether Perel lets people off too easy.
What The State of Affairs Actually Is
This is not a workbook, and it's not a moralizing takedown of cheaters either -- it's closer to an extended clinical and cultural essay, built from decades of case material, cross-cultural research, and Perel's own framework for how modern marriage has changed the stakes of infidelity. The book moves through distinct territory chapter by chapter: why affairs happen even in objectively happy marriages, how the internet and dating apps have reshaped the landscape of betrayal, why some couples's relationships survive infidelity and even grow stronger, and how different cultures have historically handled non-monogamy and secrecy very differently than contemporary American norms assume. If you're expecting a step-by-step recovery guide, recalibrate now -- this is closer to reading a sharp, clinically grounded long-form essay than working through a program.
Structurally, Perel builds each chapter around a handful of real client stories -- names and identifying details changed, but the emotional texture kept intact -- and uses them as jumping-off points for broader argument rather than tidy morality tales with clean resolutions. Some cases end in divorce, some in an unexpectedly stronger marriage, and some simply remain unresolved by the chapter's end, which is a deliberate choice on Perel's part: she's more interested in showing readers the actual range of outcomes than manufacturing a satisfying narrative arc for each one.
About Esther Perel and Why She Wrote This
Perel is a Belgian-born psychotherapist, the daughter of Holocaust survivors, who trained at Hebrew University in Jerusalem before earning a master's in expressive therapy at Lesley College and building a private practice in New York City. She first became widely known for Mating in Captivity, her 2006 book on sustaining desire in long-term relationships, which has been translated into more than two dozen languages. Her subsequent TED talks on desire and infidelity have been viewed tens of millions of times, and she now hosts the podcast Where Should We Begin?, which features real, anonymized couples therapy sessions. Perel has said she wrote The State of Affairs because, after years of sitting with couples navigating affairs, she kept encountering the same binary framing in the culture -- betrayer versus victim, good versus bad -- that didn't match the far messier reality she saw in her office, where affairs sometimes ended marriages and sometimes, uncomfortably, became the catalyst that saved them.
Her background as the child of Holocaust survivors comes up more than once in interviews about this book, and it's not incidental to her thinking. Perel has said that growing up around survivors who divided sharply into those who felt they had merely survived and those who felt they had truly come back to life shaped her lifelong interest in the difference between existing and actually feeling alive -- a distinction that runs underneath much of her argument about why people risk everything for an affair even when, on paper, they have little to complain about.
How It Compares to Mating in Captivity
Readers who loved Mating in Captivity will recognize Perel's voice immediately, but the two books are doing different work. Mating in Captivity is about sustaining erotic desire inside a committed, intact relationship -- it's forward-facing, aimed at couples trying to keep their sex life alive over decades together. The State of Affairs is about what happens after the boundary has already been crossed, and it's a harder, more morally complicated book as a result, because it has to grapple with betrayal, trust, and forgiveness rather than just desire and routine. If Mating in Captivity is Perel at her most constructive, The State of Affairs is Perel at her most provocative -- willing to sit in genuinely uncomfortable territory rather than offer readers an easy way out.
What Critics Actually Said
Rather than inventing a verdict, here's what was actually published about it:
“She doesn't peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she's too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality, and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.”— The New York Times
“[Perel] explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain . . . in a way that's deeply humane and never preachy.”— NPR
“Perel — a whip-smart emotional savant who pierces through human defenses with the efficiency of a surgeon — is a wonder to behold.”— The Huffington Post
And the aggregate reader picture, for what it's worth:
Where Real Reviews Pushed Back
A pattern shows up across multiple independent reviews and reader responses that's worth stating plainly: Perel's refusal to flatly condemn infidelity, and her willingness to explore how an affair can sometimes reveal something a person needed to see about their own life, strikes some readers as sympathetic to the person who broke trust rather than the person who was betrayed. Critics of this angle argue the book underweights the acute, often long-lasting trauma of discovering betrayal, particularly for the partner who didn't choose it, and that framing affairs as potential sites of "growth" or "transformation" -- even with caveats -- can read as minimizing to someone in the raw, early stages of that pain. Perel herself has responded directly to this critique, clarifying that she does not approve of deception and that understanding infidelity is not the same as justifying it. Whether that clarification lands depends heavily on where you are personally when you read the book -- and that's a genuinely important thing to know before picking it up.
On Why Affairs Happen Even in Good Marriages
One of the book's more unsettling arguments is that infidelity isn't reliably a symptom of a bad marriage. Perel walks through case after case of clients who described their marriages as happy, even loving, at the time an affair began -- and argues that affairs are often less about what's missing in a specific relationship and more about a longing for a different version of oneself, a reconnection with vitality, aliveness, or attention that has nothing to do with a partner's adequacy. This reframing is deliberately uncomfortable, because it refuses the reassuring logic that a good-enough marriage protects you from betrayal, and several reviewers noted this is precisely the chapter that generates the most pushback and the most recognition, sometimes from the same reader.
On Modern Infidelity: Technology, Secrecy, and Changing Norms
Perel spends real time on how dating apps, social media, and constant connectivity have changed the practical landscape of cheating -- lowering the barrier to a first contact, extending the runway of an emotional affair long before anything physical happens, and making the boundaries of what even counts as betrayal blurrier than a generation ago. She also draws on anthropological and cross-cultural material to show that Western monogamy norms are neither universal nor timeless, which functions less as an argument for non-monogamy specifically and more as an invitation to examine assumptions readers may not realize they inherited rather than chose.
On Rebuilding Trust and What Comes After Discovery
The book's later chapters turn from why affairs happen to what happens next, and this is where Perel's clinical experience is most directly on display. She's candid that some marriages should end after infidelity, and doesn't frame reconciliation as automatically the healthier or more mature choice. For couples who do choose to stay together, she offers a clear-eyed picture of what actual repair requires -- not quick forgiveness, but a slow, often painful renegotiation of the relationship's basic terms, guided by real accountability from the partner who broke trust rather than a demand that the betrayed partner simply move on.
She's also unusually specific about what that accountability looks like in practice: full transparency for a defined period rather than indefinitely, a willingness from the unfaithful partner to answer painful questions repeatedly without visible impatience, and an acceptance that trust rebuilds in small, verifiable increments rather than through grand gestures or a single tearful conversation. Couples therapists interviewed alongside the book's release have noted that this granular, patient framing is closer to what actually works in practice than the more dramatic reconciliation arcs popular media tends to portray.
On the "Smaller" Affairs: Emotional Infidelity and Digital Gray Areas
Not every chapter is about full-blown physical affairs, and this is one of the book's more practically useful contributions. Perel spends significant time on the gray zone that modern technology has expanded dramatically: sustained flirtatious texting with a coworker, an emotionally intimate friendship with an ex kept alive on social media, hours spent in a private message thread that never once crosses into anything physical. She argues these situations deserve to be taken seriously rather than dismissed as harmless because no line was technically crossed, since the emotional energy, secrecy, and displaced intimacy often function the same way a physical affair would inside a marriage. For couples arguing about whether something even counts as cheating, this chapter alone is frequently cited by readers as worth the price of the book, because it gives language to a conflict many couples have but struggle to name clearly.
On Gender, Assumptions, and Who Perel Says Actually Strays
Perel also pushes back directly on outdated assumptions about who has affairs and why, drawing on both her own practice and broader research to complicate the old stereotype that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional connection. She presents case after case of women pursuing affairs explicitly for excitement, autonomy, and a sense of aliveness that has nothing to do with emotional deficiency in their marriage -- a framing that some reviewers noted felt genuinely overdue in a genre that has historically treated female infidelity as more shameful or more in need of explanation than male infidelity. This isn't presented as a minor aside; it's central to her larger argument that affairs are less about gendered relationship deficits and more about a universal human hunger for feeling desired and alive.
Key Takeaways
- Infidelity is not a reliable indicator that a marriage was fundamentally broken beforehand -- it often has more to do with an individual's relationship to their own sense of aliveness
- Understanding why an affair happened is not the same as excusing it, and Perel is explicit that she doesn't condone deception even as she resists simple moral verdicts
- Recovery after betrayal, when a couple chooses it, requires sustained accountability from the partner who broke trust, not just time passing
- Cultural assumptions about monogamy and secrecy are more variable across history and geography than most people realize, which can be useful context even for readers who have no interest in non-monogamy themselves
Who This Book Is Actually For
Readers who want a clinically grounded, intellectually serious exploration of infidelity rather than a black-and-white verdict on cheating. It's particularly useful for anyone currently navigating the aftermath of an affair -- either as the person who strayed or the partner who discovered it -- who wants language and framing beyond the simple victim/villain script. It also rewards readers who appreciated Mating in Captivity and want Perel's clinical voice applied to harder, more morally fraught terrain. Therapists, counselors, and anyone who works professionally with couples will also find real clinical value here, since Perel's case material is detailed enough to function almost like a set of applied vignettes, not just illustrative anecdotes.
Who Should Read Something Else Instead
If you're in the acute, early aftermath of discovering a partner's infidelity and need direct emotional support rather than an intellectually challenging reframe, a more structured recovery-focused book or a licensed couples therapist will likely serve you better in the short term. And if you're looking for a firm moral position on infidelity -- a book that will validate anger and betrayal without complicating it -- Perel's deliberately non-judgmental stance may frustrate rather than help you right now. Readers who want purely secular, data-heavy relationship research with less narrative case material and more statistics should also look elsewhere; Perel's approach here is clinical and literary rather than quantitative.
On the Cultural Reception: Why This Book Became a Talking Point Beyond Books Sections
Part of what makes The State of Affairs worth discussing beyond a typical relationship-advice title is how far its reach extended past traditional book coverage. Perel's related TED talk on infidelity has been viewed tens of millions of times, and the book's publication coincided with a broader cultural moment of renewed public conversation about monogamy, desire, and what people actually owe each other in long-term partnerships. It was covered not just in book review sections but on late-night television, in long-form magazine profiles, and across therapy and relationship podcasts that don't typically engage with academic-adjacent nonfiction this closely. That crossover reach is itself a signal of how differently Perel's framing landed compared to more conventional self-help treatments of the same subject -- provocative enough to generate real debate, credible enough to be taken seriously by clinicians.
Pros and Cons
Pros:
- Grounded in over three decades of real clinical case material rather than abstract theory
- Confirmed by The New York Times and NPR as a genuinely fresh, non-formulaic take on a well-worn subject
- Refuses easy answers in a way that respects readers' intelligence, even when it's uncomfortable
- Draws on cross-cultural and historical material that broadens the conversation beyond a narrow Western frame
- Useful for both partners in a relationship navigating infidelity, not written from a single side's perspective
Cons:
- Can read as too sympathetic to unfaithful partners, per a recurring critique across independent reviews
- Not structured as a workbook or step-by-step recovery program, which may frustrate readers wanting concrete tools
- Best suited to readers who are emotionally ready for a complicating, non-validating perspective
Frequently Asked Questions
Does The State of Affairs justify or encourage cheating?
No, though this is the most common misreading. Perel is explicit that she does not condone deception and takes the pain of betrayal seriously. What she refuses to do is offer a simple moral verdict, choosing instead to explore why affairs happen and what they sometimes reveal, which some readers experience as too permissive.
What is the actual aggregate reader rating?
4.35 out of 5 on Goodreads from roughly 24,400 ratings as of this writing. Check the live number yourself via the source link below, since it will keep moving.
Is this a self-help book with exercises, or more of a narrative exploration?
It's closer to narrative and case-study driven nonfiction than a workbook. Perel draws on client stories, cultural history, and her own clinical framework rather than providing step-by-step exercises, which is a different reading experience than a typical relationship self-help title.
What is the most common criticism of this book?
That Perel's refusal to condemn infidelity outright can read as sympathetic toward unfaithful partners, and that her emphasis on affairs as sites of possible growth risks minimizing the trauma betrayal causes for some readers -- a critique that recurs across independent reviews, not an isolated complaint.
Sources & Further Reading
- Goodreads — The State of Affairs (aggregate rating, reader reviews)
- The New York Times — review
- NPR — review
- The Huffington Post — review
- Kirkus Reviews — review
- EstherPerel.com — official books page
- PositiveLifes.com — free inspirational and life-changing PDF books
Final Verdict
The State of Affairs succeeds precisely because it refuses the comfortable binary most books on infidelity default to -- and that same refusal is exactly why it won't sit well with every reader. Perel brings genuine clinical depth, decades of real case material, and a willingness to sit in moral complexity that most popular psychology books avoid entirely. If you want a book that validates a single, simple emotional position on cheating, this isn't it. If you want the most intellectually serious, clinically grounded exploration of why affairs happen and what recovery actually requires, it's hard to find a better one.
Rating: 8.7/10